Who should hold the conversation?
Compassionate conversations can be held between, colleagues, a line manager, team leader or supervisor and those who they are responsible for, as well as between staff and patients. Tip: For some, holding a compassionate conversation may feel daunting at first. It is important to remember that your role is to hold the conversation, actively listen to your colleague, be compassionate and either signpost to further support and/or help; or enable colleagues to identify the most appropriate support for themselves.
What you bring to a compassionate conversation*?
- A commitment – to cultivate self-awareness, suspend judgment and a desire to learn from others.
- A skill set – to enhance interpersonal relations and navigate challenging conversations.
- A process – to bring individuals or groups together and to appreciate our inter-connectiveness.
- A gift – a connection, to really listen to a person and they feel heard.
*Adapted from: The Compassionate Listening Project, Seattle, USA.
How should I approach a compassionate conversation?
Whether it’s taking place virtually or in person, it’s important to hold a compassionate conversation in a safe, neutral, confidential space. This will enable you to focus on the individual, and they have the freedom to share their thoughts and feelings. Reassure the individual that the conversation is confidential (unless there is a stated intent to harm self or others).
Take a moment
- Check your intentions – compassionate conversations happen when we want to have a meaningful and constructive conversation with someone.
- Be self-compassionate – The foundation of compassion for others is with how we treat ourselves.
- Make the time to listen – Avoid assumptions. Could we unwittingly giving the impression that their needs don’t matter?
- Recognise our shared humanity – Our interconnectedness and shared humanity.
- Learn how be a different kind of observer – From ‘passive’ to an ‘active’ observer.
For example, an empathetic reflection and an offer of support, I notice you look a little concerned, could I
help at all?’ can go a long way to supporting someone who may be feeling isolated and in need of support.
Take a moment, ‘Compassionate Conversations’, Linda Keenan and Gareth Corser, NHS Elect.
Tips
- Be authentic. Authenticity is at the core of compassionate communication.
- Be present: Listen to hear what the individual is saying. We sometimes listen to respond. When you listen to understand, you are in a better position to determine the appropriate response.
- Avoid assumptions, as this can lead to misunderstanding. Ask the individual to explain anything that you need to understand more, to give you both clarity within the conversation. Be curious to find out the reasoning behind their decision.
- Avoid judgement. However, do not be afraid to ask/hear the uncomfortable question, begin to lean in with the discomfort of uncomfortable discussions to promote learning and growth.
- Explore, be aware of, and personally work through any biases you hold prior to commencing a 1-1 conversation in promoting equity and inclusive practice. For example, if you hold a negative bias towards accents that are different to yours, then ensure that you’re listening to understand is even more earnest than usual.
- Reflect on any outdated narratives or assumptions you’ve held and demonstrate a willingness to unlearn.
Good practice for compassionate conversations
Compassionate conversations are:
- Caring and compassionate – they give space to enable employees to holistically explore their thinking.
- Employee led – they enable the employee to lead the conversation and focus on the most important things to them.
- Supportive – they enable colleagues to identify the most appropriate support for themselves.
- Non-Judgemental – this helps us to stay neutral and focus on understanding others point of view. Recognise our ability to connect within sameness and difference whilst suspending judgement.
Do not
- Take a traditional directive and argumentative style.
- Identify and solve the problem for the individual.
- Argue or debate. Make it known that you are there to listen to their concerns.
- Rush through without listening.
Questions that can be asked as part of the conversation
Ask open-ended questions using “How”, “What” or “Tell me…”, to enable the individual to share and clearly articulate what they8want to say.
Inquiry – questioning hints*
Hints: What can help?
- Be present for them- Turn-off your ‘mind-chatter’
- Ask open questions – ‘How’ or ‘What’?
- Empathy
- Ask questions which follow their interests, not your agenda….
- Mirror and paraphrase
- Use bridges – 1-3 of their words
- Don’t feel you have to fill the silence
- Stay out of judgement
Hints: What to avoid
- Closed questions – ‘Can’ or ‘Do’
- ‘Why’ questions (can sound interrogative or accusatory)
- Don’t make statements dressed as questions
- Saying ‘I know just how you feel’
- Telling them your own story
- Start a sentence with, ‘At least…’
- Avoid sympathy
- Avoid collusion
Some links that you might find useful
Online blogs and guides
Websites
- What does compassionate and inclusive leadership mean to us? – NHS England/Culture
- Dynamic Conversations – NHS England
- How to talk about race at work | CIPD
- Deep listening and holding space – NHS Leadership Academy
Books and guides
- Self-Compassion: Dare to Lead, Brené Brown
- Mindset: The Outward Mindset, The Arbinger Institute
- Leading teams in difficult times: Teaming, Amy Edmondson
- Compassionate Leadership: Compassionate Leadership: Sustaining Wisdom, Humanity and Presence in Health and Social Care, Professor Michael West